Red Flag Ranger

Before Alimoni-opolis had zoning laws or Tinder Heights had streetlights, there was Boob Cock Ranch... and its first and only sheriff: The Red Flag Ranger. 

A once-honest cowboy of the heartland, he spent years trying to help folks navigate the confusing trail of modern love. But after a series of bad breakups, ghostings, and one particularly manipulative situationship with The Red Flag Carnival Queen herself, he hung up his spurs… until now.

When the world of dating turned truly apocalyptic, he strapped back on his boots, holstered his Relationship Revolver™, and returned to the scene, not as a savior, but as a reluctant ride-along. He's Trainwreck Man’s cranky cowboy conscience, riding in when things go full tilt and offering rough advice wrapped in a shot of straight talk.

A rundown saloon just outside Boob Cock Ranch with a poker table made of broken hearts, a jukebox stuck on ‘90s country ballads, and a mechanical bull named “Accountability.” He doesn’t invite people there... it finds you when you need hard truths, cold beer, and tough love. 

• Lasso of Boundaries: One twirl and he can rope in even the loosest situationship before it becomes a trauma loop.
   
• Red Flag Radar: He can sense emotional manipulation from three counties away. He smells gaslighting like it’s cattle manure.
   
• Whiskey Wisdom: The drunker he gets, the wiser he sounds. Every fifth shot unlocks an unsolicited soliloquy on attachment styles.
   
• Saddle Teleportation: Just when you think you’re ghosted, he’s there on horseback with a judgmental squint.
   
• Unflappable Mustache: Rumored to be forged from the emotional damage of a thousand breakups.
   

• Old-Fashioned Thinking: He’s not great with apps. He still believes “calling someone” is romantic.
   
• PTXD (Post-Toxic Experience Disorder): Any mention of “The Carnival Queen” sends him into a slow-motion country music montage.
   
• Beer Nuts: Deathly allergic. Keeps eating them anyway.
   
• Over-Advice: Tends to monologue until the danger’s passed—or until you pass out.

• “That’s a 🚩 the size of Texas, partner.”
   
• “You’re ridin’ bareback through an emotional rodeo.”
   
• “Sometimes the best closure is a locked saloon door.”
   
• “Love ain’t blind... It’s drunk and borrowing your truck.”

• The Relationship Revolver: Loaded with bullets of truth like “Define The Relationship,” “You Up?”, and “I’m not emotionally available right now…”
   
• Boomerang of Mixed Signals: He throws it, it always comes back. Just like your ex.
   
• Truth Serum Tobacco: One puff, and you say exactly what you mean… even if you don’t want to.