CLINGONCÉ

Lana was the kind of girl who cried during toothpaste commercials, memorized every anniversary date (even if you weren’t dating), and believed “The Notebook” was a documentary. After a string of breakups (many of which the other person didn’t even realize they were in), she developed the belief that love could be willed into existence… if she just held on hard enough.

One tragic day, after being ghosted by a guy she met once at trivia night, she fell into an emotional vortex so deep, it cracked the code of cosmic clinginess. She emerged as something new... something terrifying... something emotionally unbreakable.

Thus, Clingoncé was born, an unstoppable force of romantic obsession with a chokehold grip on anyone she deemed “her person.”

A heart-shaped fortress constructed entirely out of saved screenshots, old love notes, and receipts from restaurants where “something special happened.” Located deep in the dense emotional jungle of Tinder Heights, her lair features:

• Wall-to-wall Polaroids and digital vision boards of “potential futures”
   
• Surveillance screens tracking all of her exes (and “future exes”)
   
• A Scented Candle Command Center (with names like “Forever Ours” and “Too Soon To Move On”)
   
• A laser grid made of her emotional boundaries (spoiler: there aren’t any)

Sends a series of escalating messages (“hey”, “did you get my last msg?”, “I guess you’re busy…”, “wow, ok”) that trap the recipient in a guilt spiral.

Clingoncé can remember every word you ever said, and weaponize it into emotionally manipulative dialogue. “You said I was different. Different, Jason!”

No matter how many times she’s blocked, ghosted, or rejected, she always finds her way back into your life — through mutual friends, tagged photos, or emotional blackmail.

Forces her targets to accidentally call her through unexplained phone glitches. She answers instantly. “Hey babe… was just thinking about you too.”

• “Do You Still Love Me?” Grenades: Explode with emotionally manipulative questions mid-battle.
   
• Overshare Dagger: Opens up too much, too fast, making enemies freeze out of secondhand discomfort.
   
• ‘We Had Plans’ Hammer: Powered by imagined futures and vacations never booked.
   
• Mood Swing Lasso: Wrangles her targets into commitment through rapid fire emotions: tears, flattery, guilt, seduction, repeat.

• “But we had a connection...”
   
• “You’re scared of love, not me.”
   
• “I just need closure—let’s meet one more time.”
   
• “I’m not obsessed… I just care harder than other people.”
   
• “I’m outside, btw. Just thought we could talk.”

• Clear Communication: Destroys her entire offensive strategy.
   
• Boundaries: She doesn't understand them and they weaken her powers.
   
• Therap-E’s Actual Therapy Sessions: Make her question her behavior (briefly).
   
• Just One Beer Man’s Brutal Honesty: Sends her into temporary retreat.

• “You can’t ghost what clings.”
   
• “I felt something. You felt it too.”
   
• “You’ll never find someone who loves you like I do — mostly because I disabled your location privacy.”
   
• “Let’s make matching hoodies!”